With all of the serious baseball discussions taking place recently, I thought we could all use some levity. After reading this, you'll realize why I'll never be a playwright on Broadway.
[Scene: After a hard day of work, Joe Morgan of ESPN and Marcus Hayes of the Philadelphia Daily News are sitting in a diner relaxing and having a cup of coffee. The two people in the booth behind them are talking loudly, so they decide to listen in on the conversation.]
Billy Jameson: My, that Ryan Howard is one great ballplayer.
Nerdy McNumbers: He sure is! So is Manny Ramirez.
Billy Jameson: You know why they are so good? Because of their selfish attitudes and lack of hustle!
Nerdy McNumbers: They lead the league in showboating -- and in strikeouts. One day, I hope to be as cool as them.
Billy Jameson: Me too. Speaking of cool, you know what we need more of? Statistics. Especially statistics that sound weird when you say them.
Nerdy McNumbers: Yes, agreed. Statistics make the thick rims of my glasses tingle with joy.
Billy Jameson: Not as much as my calculator battery!
Nerdy McNumbers: Good one! I'll have to write that one down and post it on my blog, where I take potshots at credentialed members of the mainstream media.
Billy Jameson: I blog too! I live vicariously through the players I watch and then try to tear them down by writing nasty things about them on my blog while I wear footie pajamas in my mom's basement.
Nerdy McNumbers: Quick question: On which hand should I put my catcher's mitt?
Billy Jameson: Which hand do you throw with?
Nerdy McNumbers: I don't know, the last time I put on a glove it was for safety reasons so I could play with my chemistry set.
Billy Jameson: Let's change the subject quickly so we don't come to the realization that we can't play sports well.
Nerdy McNumbers. You're right.
Billy Jameson: I’ve been trying to think of ways to tarnish the reputations of some of the great ballplayers from yesteryear, do you have any ideas?Nerdy McNumbers: Let’s create a bogus theory where a player’s value is correlated with how many times he gets on base, instead of how many times he sacrifice bunts or let his grit emanate in the clubhouse. This will surely make people realize that Ted Williams and Hank Aaron should have been bench players.
Billy Jameson: Ha, grit! That’s as real as the Easter bunny! Conversely, we could say that strikeouts really aren’t all that bad!
Nerdy McNumbers: What shall our “strikeouts are good” statistic be called?
Billy Jameson: How about EqVFORRAPRPIBAB?
Nerdy McNumbers: Sounds confusing. Let’s use it! Only we will understand it. All of those capital letters are sure to throw everyone off, and even if they start to get it, we have that lower-case q.
Billy Jameson: Now, we need to infiltrate the mainstream media and get them to publish articles about our insane points of view.
Nerdy McNumbers: We can campaign against traditional statistics and shift the focus away from the actual game and onto statistics. Let’s call people who only look at AVG/HR/RBI and W-L/SV “stupid.”
Billy Jameson: No, that’s not condescending enough.
Nerdy McNumbers: I’ve got it! Let’s call them “basic.”
Billy Jameson: That just may be insulting enough to work!
Nerdy McNumbers: I can’t wait until games are played by number-machines instead of by actual people. Being that I have never played a minute in competitive sports, I don’t understand the minutiae of the game, so I hide behind statistics. We need to take the human element out of the game for people like me.
Billy Jameson: Indeed! I would rather sit in front of my computer screen for 12 hours looking at random assortments of zeroes and ones than watching actual human beings play America’s pastime, or worse, actually playing it.
Nerdy McNumbers: In order to further our plan of dominance, we also need to discourage current and future ballplayers from taking a team-first mentality. I say we scoff every time someone mentions how much leadership a player has, and say that hustle doesn’t really win ball games. It's blatantly obvious that the qualities that are generated by our computer programs -- like GPA in math classes -- help win games.
Billy Jameson: Additionally, we need to pay no mind to how “fiery” a player is, even if he’s really fast.
Nerdy McNumbers: That may be too out there. We all know that all fast players are fiery and have lots of determination, as shown by how hard they slide into second base, and then argue when they are called out on a close play.
Billy Jameson: Do you want to eventually rule the game of baseball so that we number-crunching, mom’s-basement-dwelling nerds can finally be good at something? Stick to the plan. Fast players don't have fire and determination, not if we have anything to say about it.
Nerdy McNumbers: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Billy Jameson: I forgive you. All right, it’s getting late. Let’s go home and sleep on our ideas. Tomorrow, we will strike vengeance upon everyone who was better than us in gym class in high school!
Nerdy McNumbers: Roll initiative!